


What once was lost

by Moonprincess92



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Episode: s10e04 Home Again, F/M, Minor Character Death, Post-Episode: s10e04 Home Again, The X-Files Revival
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-03
Updated: 2016-12-03
Packaged: 2018-09-06 03:39:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8733325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonprincess92/pseuds/Moonprincess92
Summary: Her mom was dead.





	

 Her mom was dead.

She kicked at the pebbles, tempted to toe off her heels and let her bare skin sink into the freezing water. No matter what she did, what she said, the thought kept running through her head: _my mom is dead_. It didn’t matter that she was into her fifties, had grown up, had her own life. Today she had shed the Special Agent Scully skin that she wore and was little Dana again, a girl who was just a bit lost and wanted to go home. She lifted her tear-glazed face from her shoes to look out over the lake.

_Her mom was dead_.

She didn’t have to turn to know that he was watching her. He was always watching her. She almost hadn’t known whether she wanted him at the funeral. It had been difficult enough organising the damn thing alongside two brothers who seemed to care more about the inconvenience this had put in their lives than the actual life lost. But she had taken one step inside that church, seen the flowers, seen the casket, seen so many drawn and pitiful faces that she had faltered. Stumbling back slightly, heart slamming in her chest, she had bumped straight into Mulder.

“ _It’s going to be ok_ ,” he’d whispered, hand rising to softly stroke her back. “ _Listen to me, it’s going to be ok_.”

She could almost feel him again now, standing by her side just like he had the entire service. They were always connected in some way, whether it was the arm that wrapped around her waist or the fingers twisting the hem of her jacket. Hadn’t they always been connected? It had occurred to her dimly that yes, Maggie had been important to him too. It was ok to let him be close to her, he probably needed it. So she had held her stoic face, and let him stand by as she greeted nameless people and thanked them for coming, doing the tedious and exhausting job that her brothers apparently weren’t going to.

She had honestly thought Mulder was going to get punched out by Bill over their own mother’s casket at one point. Despite her frustrations, Scully had thrown her arms around both her brothers when they had arrived, but she hadn’t missed the glares that shot from Bill’s eyes as Mulder sulked in the background. Charlie hadn’t seemed to notice, thankfully – her youngest brother had barely acknowledged anyone beyond his sister’s hug, staring at what was left of their mother with what could only be described as deep regret – but of course Bill had never had the ability to keep his mouth shut about Mulder.

She couldn’t even remember what had been said anymore. There was too much in her brain. Too many unanswered questions, too much pain. How she’d managed to hold it in until this point was perhaps a part of that mystery. Once upon a time she would still be forcing to keep those tears inside, at least for Mulder’s sake, but she’d long stopped caring. The two of them had been through too goddamned much to keep up appearances anymore.

If anyone understood her, it was him.

She closed her eyes as she felt the ghost of a hand trail down her arm, but she wasn’t in that dim hospital room anymore. She snapped back to the beach, realising that he had walked down from the log where they’d been talking. Her breath caught in her throat when she realised that he cradled her mother’s urn in his arms.

“Are you ready for this?” he asked quietly.

_No_.

She nodded silently, reaching up and hastily wiping a sleeve across her face. He handed her the urn and they turned downwind, prising it open to let her mother scatter, fly into the air and join Ahab, join whatever was waiting for her out there … it took Mulder saying her name several times to realise that she was sobbing once more.

“I’m an orphan,” she cried. “It sounds … ridiculous. Like something only a child can say.”

“You are a child,” Mulder stood behind her, his warmth a comfort to lean against. “Scully, she was your mom.”

“I’m sorry.”

“We’re doing this again?” Mulder almost laughed softly, pressing the most delicate of kisses into her hair. “Scully, when my mom died you held me the entire night. I can assure you it’s ok.”

“There’s … there’s so much I never told her,” she whispered, turning her head, pressing her face into the soft fabric of Mulder’s jacket. “Some of it I couldn’t, for whatever reasons … but she died never really understanding most of the choices I’ve made in my life.”

He bent to place the now-empty urn on the pebbles at their feet. Once he stood, she felt his arms tighten around her. Her tears, which she’d thought were under control for the moment, she found were suddenly stinging her eyes once more. There were so many choices in her life that she still agonised over and would never get to explain. And her mom wasn’t the only one she never spoke to. If Mulder were to keel over right now, he would die with so many unspoken conversations between them, so many things they buried for the sake of simply surviving.

It was one thing to protect yourself, to lock demons away so that they could actually live, but another to throw away the key entirely.

_But what about my mysteries, Mulder?_

She had thrown away the key and as a result, she had treated William like he was no longer her problem. She told herself that she never spoke of him, tried to forget about it, in order to just function every day ( _out of sight, out of mind_ ). That might’ve been true when the grief was still raw, but it had been fifteen years and he was still her son. He would always be her son. He came from her, was a part of her, and was something that she couldn’t ignore any more in hopes that the pain would eventually go away. She shivered and Mulder rubbed her arms gently.

“I miss her,” Her voice was barely a breath.

“I do, too. She was a good person. Scully,” Mulder’s fingers continued sweeping over her arms, caressing her softly as they stood together. “it’s … it’s normal to have regrets.”

“I know,” she said. “but I don’t want to die with them. My mom will never really know why I did what I did, and I guess I will have to learn to live with that. But there’s one thing I can change, and that’s I don’t want you to die without knowing, either.”

“Scully …”

“We never talk about him,” She wanted to turn around and see his face, but she didn’t know whether she could keep talking while also being able to see his eyes. “Not seriously. We cry together sometimes and we hold each other through the pain, but we never did speak about how we felt. About the choices we both made that lead to it. For a long time, I was sure you secretly blamed me, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask …”

Mulder let out a long breath. It was a breath fifteen years in the making, and he let her go to turn her around, turn her back on the water and grip her shoulders tightly. She kept her eyeline somewhere around his chest. “I wish I could say I never blamed you …”

She nodded, understanding.

“But hey … _hey_ ,” he added more forcefully, reaching out and tugging on her chin, lifting her up to his face. “We were young and scared, Scully. I blamed myself more. We should have spoken about this years ago.”

“It wasn’t your fault. It was never your fault.”

“I’ll believe that if you believe that it wasn’t your fault either.”

She flinched, but allowed Mulder to move the hand at her chin, cupping her face and offering what comfort he could. It was surreal to hear them speaking these things out loud after so long of keeping them hidden. The tears, that she’d managed to hold at bay, were spilling over again now without her permission. “I need to know he’s ok, Mulder,” she choked out. “We – we both need–”

“I know, I know …” He gently wrapped her in his arms, and she pressed her face into his neck. “What exactly are you saying, then? That we have to find him?”

Was that what she was trying to say? The concept was one she had struggled with ever since she had handed him over. So often she had pleaded with herself _I just need to see him, just once, to make sure he’s ok_ , but she knew that if she did, she would never be able to walk away again. And wasn’t it best for him that she stayed away anyway? But this urge now didn’t feel like in the years past, where it was simply a selfish desire to want her baby back in her arms. This was the urge to make sure that their decision had been the right one. To make sure that he was loved, safe …

“I want to find him,” The words felt liberating to say. “I don’t necessarily want to take him back – if he – he’ll have his own life, he wouldn’t want – but I want to see him. I need to at least see him, hopefully meet him. I just want to make sure he’s ok. Is that …”

“It’s happening,” he said firmly, voice rumbling through his chest. “I don’t care how hard it is, whether it’s impossible or not, we’ll find him, Scully.”

If only her mom could see her now. For the first time in her life, she could feel proud of something to do with William, proud of a choice she had made. _Look, Mom. I listened. We’re going to find him._

_Together, we’ll find him._

**Author's Note:**

> This was in answer to a prompt, 'season 10 fluff or angst'. Clearly I decided to take the angst route, haha. Still new to writing this fandom, but I'm getting into it! Also posted this on tumblr, so find me there @moonprincess92nz :) :) I love you all! xoxo


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